


maybe eventually will be our always

by boom_butterfly_effect, ElliePollie



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Developing Relationship, F/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:41:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28435560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boom_butterfly_effect/pseuds/boom_butterfly_effect, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElliePollie/pseuds/ElliePollie
Summary: Sam was one of the few survivors from the nightmare on Blackwood. The mountain had claimed her first love, Beth. Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, her relationship with Josh got cut short before she even knew what it was. Almost a year later, she was still dealing with the repercussions when she met Ashton and he was more than she could ever have hoped for. But could she stand the possibility of losing another love?Ashton Brown was Ashley’s twin brother and they were complete opposites. He was outgoing and popular, but he had his own struggles. A rumor in high school turned nearly everyone against him, even his own sister. Upon graduation, he tried to turn a new leaf but ended up in the middle of family drama when his then girlfriend wound up pregnant. Then, six months later, living alone, his ex-girlfriend expecting his child, he met Sam, who turned his entire world upside down.
Relationships: Ashley Brown/Chris Hartley (minor), Sam Giddings/Ashton Brown
Comments: 16
Kudos: 3





	1. it's a new year, with it comes new hope and new fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: drinking, drug mention  
>  _  
> Soundtrack: New Years Eve by First Aid Kit  
> _

Sam's room was quiet and dimly lit. She sat at her vanity, head resting on her arms, sobbing softly.

She jumped when there was a knock on her door. 

"Sam, dinner will be ready soon." 

She sniffed back her tears and quickly called back, "I'll be right there." 

She looked up at the mirror sitting on her vanity, at the photos stuck up around it, the photos of all the friends that she'd lost. She gulped, tears threatening again, tonight was the mark of the first year without them all. She looked at herself, she was a mess, eyes swollen and teary, face pale, nose red, lips chewed to pieces, she needed to clean up before she went downstairs. 

She took a deep breath and grabbed some reusable makeup pads to wipe the tears from her face. 

Once her face was clean she left her room to go have dinner with her moms. 

She came back up to her room a while later and sat back down at her vanity. She smiled sadly at the photos around the mirror, pressing a kiss to her fingers and then transferring it to the people in the photos. 

"I miss you," she whispered, "I miss you all." 

Then she sat up straight, grabbed a brush and started putting on her makeup, covering up the signs of tiredness and stress, making herself look presentable for the party. 

Makeup done, Sam smiled at herself in the mirror, nodding when she decided it was convincing enough. Then she got up and slipped on her gold, silk party dress, packed her bag, grabbed her phone and called Ashley.

\-----

Ashton had slept most of the day, feeling exhausted from the crammed work-week he’d had. The holidays were big for people doing work on their house cause they wanted to be able to show it off, so he had been slammed.

When he finally dragged himself out of bed, he made himself a thing of Ramen and hopped in the shower, standing there and letting the hot water loosen up his muscles. Between being kicked out of his dad’s house, trying to adjust to a new job, and having a baby on the way, he was in a constant state of being tense.

When he got out he sat down on his bed and picked up his guitar, idly strumming through chords before sadly singing Auld Lang Syne to himself.

He sighed, getting up and grabbing the makeshift tripod he used to record himself playing. 

Hitting record he started to sing again, _“_ _Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot,_ _And days of auld lang syne?”_

Once it was posted, he laid back in bed in a semi-depressed state. Living alone really sucked sometimes. The likes and comments rolled in doing little to ease the loneliness that had plagued him for longer than he’d liked to admit.

After a while, he figured he should start to get ready for Ashley and Chris’ New Year’s party. He pulled on the nicest thing he owned, a button-down and dress pants with a suit jacket. He looked at himself in the mirror, wiping the toothpaste off his face and sighing before grabbing his keys and driving over to where his sister lived.

When he knocked on the door, he fully expected Ashley to be standing on the other side of it, but instead, there stood a beautiful blonde girl. He didn’t think he knew her, so he double-checked he was at the right apartment.

“Am I at the right place?”

“Here for Ashley and Chris’ New Years Eve party?” She smiled back at him.

He nodded, “Yeah. I’m Ashton, and you are?”

“Sam,” she grinned, “Come in.”

She stepped aside and he walked in, looking around, “Nice to meet you Sam,” Ashley was standing by two people he’d never met and Chris was messing with the music, a playlist it sounded like Ashley had made.

“As you can see, the hosts are otherwise engaged, hence why I opened the door.”

“I get it now,” he chuckled, opting to go and sit down on the couch and scrolling on his phone, watching the likes and comments slowly trickle in again.

There was a knock on the door and when the girl, Sam, opened it, Luca and his girlfriend Rayne stood on the other side. 

_Finally, people I know_.

Ashton followed Luca in, greeting him as he carried in what he assumed to be pot brownies.

“Luca! My man, what's up,” he smiled.

“Hashton,” he chuckled, “How are you?”

“Same old, same old, how about you?”

Luca sat the brownies on the table, “Same man. Been working. How is your tat by the way?”

Ashton unbuttoned his shirt to show Luca, who nodded in approval, “Badass.”

Rayne came and met them where they stood, her gaze still lingering on Sam.

“Do you know her?”

“No. I just was,” she took a deep breath, “the energy is strong in here.”

The three of them caught up until Ashley’s voice cut through the noise of the party, “WHO PUT THESE BROWNIES HERE?”

Luca teased, “We should probably go face her wrath.”

Ashton decided to go stand by Sam, who was off by herself, “You just gonna stand here alone at a party?”

“You judging my party etiquette?” she smirked.

“No,” he chuckled softly, “I just figured you came with someone and they’d keep you company.”

“No, my someone couldn’t make it today,” she shook her head.

“Oh, well that sucks. If it makes you feel any better, I’m here alone as well… which doesn’t seem to be the case for anyone else,” he looked around at the various couples around the room.

“Yeah, I guess couples attract couples.”

“Guess so,” he watched another couple come in, watching as one kissed the other on the cheek.

Ashton sighed, walking over to the kitchen where a goth girl was serving some guy two drinks. He got something non-alcoholic and stopped to chat with Ashley, meeting a couple of her friends. 

He glanced over and saw the guy that just left the kitchen cornering Sam, making her look very uncomfortable. Ashley got distracted with one of her other friends so he walked back over to her.

“Is there a man somewhere around here that you belong to?” the guy asked her.

“No, my partner isn’t here tonight.”

“Oh? Where is he?”

“ _They_ are at a family gathering,” she clarified. 

“Getting very defensive? Are you sure _‘they’_ exist?”

Sam, who was already glaring at him, started to stutter.

Ashton walked up to the dude, “Is he bothering you?”

“I’m fine,” she mumbled in response.

He’d been to enough parties in his life to know when someone needed to be told to back off. There were too many sleazy guys in the world. 

“The lady said she’s fine, so why don’t you back off.”

 _This guy is a jackass_.

“Why don’t _you_ back off? She’s obviously uncomfortable,” he shook his head, “Plus, she’s taken, she just said that.”

The guy rolled his eyes and walked away, muttering something under his breath.

“Thanks,” she said softly.

“It’s no problem. Guy seemed like a tool,” he paused, looking at her worriedly, “Are you okay?”

She nodded, putting on a fake smile, “I’m good.”

Ashton looked her up and down before shaking his head, “No you’re not. And- And I know it’s none of my business but you shouldn’t keep everything in all the time. Even if it’s just admitting you’re not okay.”

Sam traced the rim of her cup, “You’re probably right.”

“So… are you okay?”

“Can I take a rain check on that?”

“Sure,” he nodded, “Would you like to be alone?”

“You can go socialize if you want. I don’t mind. I’m a big girl. I can tie my own shoe-laces and everything.”

Ashton smiled, “I’m socializing with you.”

“Okay,” she chuckled.

“So what do you do? You go to Redlands?”

She shook her head, “I dropped out of college last year and now I’m an intern at a little LGBTQ+ charity." 

“That’s awesome,” he nodded, taking a sip of his drink.

“How about you?”

“I’m an electrician. School wasn’t my thing.”

She went on to describe a saying that explained that schooling wasn’t a good judge of people’s worth. He couldn’t help but get distracted by the way she smiled when she talked. And her smile was amazing.

_No. Don’t even start._

“Sorry, tell me if I’m getting preachy. I’ve been told it’s a bad habit of mine.”

“No, I don’t mind. You seem to be feeling a little better,” he smiled.

“I am, a little bit. Thanks.”

Chris went to turn the music up, Ashton sighed, watching people start to file in the middle of the living room and dancing to the song.

“Wanna find somewhere a bit more quiet to sit and chat?”

“Yeah. I’m sure there’s a bedroom free.”

_You done fucked up now, dumbass. You just stopped her from being objectified, and now you’ve done it yourself._

He stumbled over his words before sighing, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she smiled back at him, “I helped set up. The bedrooms are blocked off but I’m sure we can just slip in and chat, Chris and Ash won’t mind.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, starting to walk toward Ashley’s room, “Let's do that.”

They managed to get into the room and close the door behind them. Sam immediately went to water the plant inside the room, muttering something to it while she poured the water in.

Ashton sat on the bed and watched her.

She moved away from the plant starting to wander around the room, running her fingers over a dreamcatcher on the wall, “so, tell me your deepest darkest secret." 

“Deepest darkest secret?” he laughed, “You’re gonna have to try a little harder to get that out of me.”

“It was worth a try,” she smiled at him over her shoulder.

_Fuck, she’s gorgeous. No. Don’t you dare think about her like that._

“So tell me about your person. What’s their name? How did you meet? All that,” he asked, trying to remind himself that she was taken.

“Their name is Ryan. I met them at a vegan coffee shop. They make _THE_ best vegan pancakes… and yeah, we have a lot of fun together,” she shrugged.

“That sounds great,” he nodded, “Now tell me why you’re not happy with them.”

 _Dude. You can’t just say that? If she’s not happy with them it’s not your business_ -

“Excuse me?” she blinked back at him.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re not happy. Like _really_ happy, you know?”

Sam shrugged sadly, sitting down beside him, “I’ve got a lot going on.”

He turned to face her, “I’m sorry. I won’t pry. But if you need to talk to someone,” he shrugged.

_You just insulted her, she’s not going to open up to you, idiot._

“Thanks.”

Ashton sighed, looking her up and down, noticing the tattoo she had on her chest, “So what is your tattoo supposed to be of?”

“It’s an iris, a symbol of hope and cherished friendship.”

He smiled gently, “It’s beautiful. I’ve got one right there too.”

“Really?” she smiled, “What of?”

“A lily.”

“That’s nice. Slightly unexpected, but lovely.”

“Well that’s my daughter’s name,” he explained, “Or it will be when she’s born.”

“You’re having a daughter? That’s so exciting, congratulations,” she beamed up at him.

“Thanks.”

“So, tell me about your person.”

“I don’t have one,” he paused, “I have my ex… Jenna, Lily’s mom. But we haven’t been together in a while.”

“Oh, sorry for assuming.”

“No, it’s okay,” he instinctively reached for her hand but stopped himself before he could touch her, “It’s- it’s usually safe to assume because I’m having a kid means I’m currently with someone.”

“Well not necessarily,” she looked down at her lap, “People shouldn’t assume things about relationships, or people for that matter, the world can be so judgemental.”

“Like that asshat out there,” he sighed.

“Yeah,” she chuckled softly

“I’ve had my fair share of judgement so I know how it feels.”

“I have two moms so imagine my shock at 5 years old when I first went to kindergarten and discovered everyone had a mom and dad,” she smiled.

“Yeah, that’ll do it,” he chuckled.

“How about you? What are your parents like? If you don’t mind me asking.”

_Complicated._

“Dysfunctional. Haven’t spoken to my mom in years. My dad just kicked me out a few weeks ago.”

“I’m sorry, that must be hard,” she reached over and squeezed his hand.

His breath caught at the feeling of her hand on his. Her skin was soft.

“I’ll be okay. It was coming eventually, I just… wasn’t sure when.”

She nodded, “You found somewhere to live?”

“Yeah. I found a studio. It’s not much but it’s a place to live.”

Sam pulled her hand away, “How’s living on your own?”

“It’s…”

_Boring… Depressing… Lonely…_

“Different,” he shrugged.

“Lonely?” she asked softly.

“Yeah,” he nodded, the weight of the word lingering in his chest.

She smiled at him, “I’m sure it won’t feel that way once you have toys and diapers all over the place.”

“I guess so, but that won’t be for a while. I won’t be having her over at my place for a while,” he trailed off

“Yeah, I’m sorry. Loneliness is hard.”

“It’ll be okay,” he nodded, trying to convince himself.

“I’m sure you will be.”

“Eventually,” he added in.

“Trust me, you wouldn’t believe half the shit that happened to me. If I’m gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay.”

“I’m sorry,” he reached out for her hand again. She squeezed it before he pulled it away.

“Thanks.”

“I’m sure you’ll be okay too. _Eventually._ ”

“Yeah? You think so?”

“I know so. You’re a great girl.”

Sam smiled back at him, “Thanks, you seem like a great guy.”

“Thanks.”

She paused, cocking her head to the side and furrowing her eyebrows.

“What is it?”

“I love this song,” she smiled, “I didn’t even know Ashley liked this band.”

Ashton stood up, “Would you like to dance?”

She stood up as well, “I would love to.”

He offered his hand to her and she took it, placing her other hand on his shoulder. He gently placed his free hand on her upper back, being overly cautious to make sure it didn’t drift down and make her uncomfortable. Then he started to gently sway to the music. 

"Do you know how to actually dance or just swaying?"

“Just swaying,” he chuckled, “Do you know how to dance?”

"I might," she grinned.

“Teach me?”

"Sure," she smiled, gently showing him the simple footwork that would allow them to slowly dance around the room.

They moved around the bedroom slowly, along with the music. The way the light from the parking lot lit up her face gave him butterflies in his stomach. He swallowed them down.

_She has a person. I have Lily. I can’t feel that way about her._

Once the song ended, she looked up at him, "thanks for the dance.”

“You’re welcome. Thank you," he hesitantly pulled away from her and resumed his spot on the bed, trying to repeat the fact she was taken in his head.

Sam was stood by Ashley’s dresser, facing away from him. He looked at her through the mirror on the top of it and couldn’t help but think.

_Is she as nervous as I am? Did she feel that… what was that? No, Ashton, she didn’t. She has a person... But she’s not happy with them. That doesn’t mean she’d be happy with you. Stop. Is it hot in here or is it just me? I must look like shit._

Sam looked up at him, the light of the street lamps lighting up her face, which was a subtle pink.

_She is so beautiful._

Ashton’s face started to warm up.

_Dammit Ashton, you can’t think shit like that._

She picked up the book that Ashley had lying on the dresser and held it up, “You much of a reader?”

“Not really,” he shrugged, “It wasn’t my thing. Are you?”

“No, I’m more of an outdoorsy gal.”

Ashton smiled, “I was always the more outdoorsy one in the family.”

“Yeah?” She grinned

“Yeah. Maybe we could go hiking sometime.”

_Dude! You just asked out someone who IS TAKEN._

“I love hiking. That would be great.”

_Okay maybe you didn’t put your whole foot in your mouth._

He let out a soft sigh, “Yeah. I guess if we’re gonna hang out, you should have my number.”

“Yeah,” she pulled out her phone and handed it to him.

He handed his to her and filled out the contact before handing it back.

She glanced at the time on her phone, “It’s getting close to midnight. We should probably head out there so we can join in with the countdown.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. Probably one at a time so we don’t look… suspicious.”

She raised her eyebrows back at him, “If you want. I don’t really care. People can think what they want.”

“Oh, okay,” he smiled.

_She doesn’t care? So if someone saw us leaving the room together and assumed we just fucked, she’d be okay with that? Maybe she did feel whatever that was…_

“Let’s go then. It’s almost midnight,” he got up and walked out of the room with Sam quickly behind him.

He went over to get another drink from the bartender and grabbed a couple poppers, bringing one over to Sam. 

“Oh, um, thanks but I’m not really a big fan of the single use plastic.”

“Oh,” he smiled sheepishly, “Sorry.”

Ashton sat both the poppers on the table near them.

“No worries. You didn’t know.”

He nodded, watching the TV as the countdown started and people around the room started to count with it.

“20… 19… 18… 17…”

Sam looked over at him, casually asking, “You wanna kiss me at midnight?”

_Don’t panic. Be cool. You’re Ashton fucking Brown. You can kiss her at midnight. But wait, what about her person?_

He raised his eyebrows, “Sure. Is that okay?”

She chuckled, “I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t. It’s just a New Years kiss, everyone should get one.”

“Okay.”

“3… 2… 1… Happy New Year!” Everyone cheered and kissed their respective partner.

Ashton looked over at Sam and gently cupped her face in his hand and leaned in to kiss her. He had kissed more girls than he cared to tell anyone. Not as many as had made accusations, but still a fair amount. None had ever felt like this. A chill went down his body which calmed all the nerves he didn’t know he had. It was like she was just meant to be who he was kissing.

Ashton didn’t want to pull away, cause he knew when he did, he may not get to kiss her again.

When they did pull away, her face was pink, more evident in the light, “Happy New Year Ashton.”

“Happy New Year Sam,” he smiled back at her.

“Come get your champagne!”

“Champagne?” Sam asked

“I don’t drink, thanks though.”

“Okay, I’m gonna go get some.”

Ashton watched her walk away, a satisfied smirk on his face and a lingering warm feeling in his body. He watched as she got her drink and went to dance with Ashley and everyone else while he stood off to the side. Every once in a while she would meet his gaze and smile back at him which only added to the warm feeling he had.

_She doesn’t feel the same way… right?_

They didn’t speak the rest of the night.

Ashton walked up to Ashley right before leaving, “Thanks for having me. It was really fun, but I gotta get going.”

“Thanks for coming. I’ll see you later.”

Ashton looked back at Sam one more time and smiled before walking out to his car.

The whole drive he sat with a goofy grin on his face, replaying the night in slow motion. When he got back to his apartment, he walked in and took off everything he had been wearing and climbed into bed. 

He pulled up her number and typed out a few different messages.

_Hey. It was nice to meet u._

_U seem really cool. Wanna hang out sometime?_

_If I asked u out would u dump who ur seeing?_

_Did u feel the same spark I did when we kissed?_

Ultimately he deleted them all, setting his phone aside and sighing.

_She has a person. She’s taken Ashton. Let it go…_

“But what if I can’t?” He whispered aloud to himself. 


	2. I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on new year’s day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Soundtrack: New Year's Day by Taylor Swift_

That night Sam stayed at Chris and Ashley’s, borrowing Ashley’s clothes and sleeping in their bed with them as she often did when she stayed late. She cuddled up to Ashley’s back and settled down to sleep. She was drowsy for sure, the alcohol in her system dulling her senses and clouding up her brain but not enough to drift off to sleep quickly. Her mind kept lingering on that feeling of coming home that she’d felt when Ashton had kissed her. Her chest felt fuzzy and warm just thinking about it. She drifted off to sleep with the feel of his lips on her mind, seeping into her dreams. 

The next morning she woke before Chris and Ashley. She lay in bed for a while, her mind replaying the previous night. Once again trying to convince herself that she'd laugh about it with Ryan later, that it hadn't meant anything. 

She got up and made some coffee to distract herself. Ashley came out just as she was taking her first sip from her mug.  
“Morning,” Ashley smiled at her as she walked over to the kitchen, “you’re a godsend.”

Sam smiled back and put her mug down to pour Ashley a cup of coffee too. 

“How’d you sleep?” Ashley asked. 

"Alright," she shrugged, "alcohol always makes my sleep a little restless. How about you?"

“I slept pretty good. How long have you been up?”

"Not long, hence why the coffee is still hot," she chuckled. 

“Touché.”

Sam looked around at the mess from the party in the light of day. Empty cups, cans and bottles everywhere, streamers and confetti covering all surfaces and in several hard to reach places. Classic party aftermath. It made her think about the parties Josh used to throw. About waking up the next morning with Beth and cleaning up together. 

_No, don’t think about them. It hurts too much._

She shook herself out of it and grinned over at Ashley, "Hey, well done on throwing your first house party."

“Thanks,” she chuckled, “hope it wasn’t too horrible.”

_It was wonderful. Dancing around with him, kissing him. It was all wonderful._

_No! Stop! You have Ryan!_

"It was great!" She nodded encouragingly, desperately trying to squash down the guilt bubbling up in her chest. 

“I feel like I didn’t see you a whole lot.”

"I stayed off to the side most of the time," she shrugged. The lie felt wrong on her lips, she didn’t lie and she especially didn’t lie to Ashley. 

Ashley’s eyebrows furrowed and she started to panic.

_Can Ashley see through my lies? Am I that bad at this?_

She walked around the kitchen counter and wrapped Sam up in a hug. A small sigh of relief escaped Sam. 

“Hey,” she smiled softly, hugging her back. 

“Hi,” she smiled up at her, “I love you, Sam.” 

“I love you too, Ash,” Sam gave her a tight squeeze. 

“This year will be better than the last, I can feel it.”

"I hope you're right," Sam sighed. 

_It would be hard for it to be worse._

“No,” she frowned, “It will. I promise. Be optimistic,” she pulled away and giggled, “We’re gonna make 2016 our bitch.”

"Okay," she chuckled, "2016 is gonna be our bitch."

“Hell yeah,” Ashley pumped her fist in the air and finished off her coffee.

Sam giggled, "you want to get started cleaning up? Or shall we chill for a bit?"

“Can we chill for a second?”

"Sure. You want a glass of water?"

“Yeah.” 

Sam poured them each a glass of water and then they walked over and sat down on the couch together. Ashley wrapped an arm around Sam and sighed, she grinned and hugged Ashley back. 

“I figured you would be gone when I woke up. Gone to spend the day with Ryan or something.”

"Ryan's still at their family thing and I thought I'd stick around to help clean up. I'll go home and celebrate the new year with my moms later. Besides, I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye," she smiled.

“Well, I appreciate it.” 

"So," she pulled away from the hug, getting comfy on the couch, "how have you been? We need a proper catch-up."

“I’ve been good. Relaxing with Chris a lot.”

" _Relaxing_?" Sam smirked and raised her eyebrows.

Ashley motioned to the hickeys on her neck. 

"Nice," Sam giggled.

“How have things been with Ryan?” 

"Alright… Things have been kind of hard for me this month and they've been kind of distant."

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“They have their own stuff to deal with so I understand."

“You’re still working on communication? Like you haven’t given up on the relationship?”

"Yeah, still working on it."

“That’s good. I hope things get better on that front.” 

"So do I. How are things with you and Chris?"

“They’re good. We had a small issue the other day but we’re working on it.”

“I'm sure you'll get through it," Sam gave her shoulder a squeeze.

“I’m sure we will.”

"When do you start back at college?”

“The 5th.”

"Pretty soon then. Have you got a busy semester?"

“It shouldn’t be too bad.”

"How was Christmas with Chris' parents?"

“It was good. Mick got to join us as well so that was nice.”

"That does sound nice."

Ashley smiled, “So you and your moms had a low key Christmas?”

"Yeah, just a quiet Christmas at home.” 

“Are you okay? Ya know, with the twin’s birthday happening on Christmas.” 

She sighed and smiled sadly, "that's why my moms decided to have a quiet Christmas. Christmas Eve isn't one of the best days of the year anymore."

Ashley wrapped her arms around her, “I’m sorry Sam. That must be horrible.”

"Yeah," she hugged Ashley tightly. 

Ashley rubbed her back soothingly as she took some slow, calming breaths. 

“Everything will be okay,” Ashley whispered. 

"People keep saying that, I hope everyone is right."

“Who else said that?”

"Rayne?"

She chuckled, “I think I would believe her if I were you. I was talking to her and Luca last night and she’s weirdly intuitive? She said some weird things but like... they were true? And I really don’t know how she did that. So I would really think about what she said.”

“She told me good things were coming."

"Then good things _are_ coming. I'm sure the universe will give you a break eventually."

"Eventually," Sam mulled over the word as she said it. Thinking about how Ashton had said the same thing the previous night, how the words had sounded so true coming from his lips. 

_His lips_. 

There was a loud thump from Chris and Ashley’s bedroom that made them both jump, jolting Sam out of her thoughts. God, she really needed to stop thinking about him. 

“What was that?” 

“I don’t know,” Ashley stood up and hurried into the room, Sam right behind her. 

“I’m fine,” Chris called out from a heap on the floor. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah just fell out of bed.” 

“Be careful, we don't need you to get hurt right after you just got your cast off.”

"Roger that," he saluted, pulling himself off the floor. 

"You want a coffee?" Sam offered. 

“I would love one!” 

Sam left the room and went out to the kitchen to make Chris a coffee. Chris and Ashley followed her and once the coffee was made she handed Chris his cup. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problemo.” 

Sam and Ashley started to clean up the apartment as Chris drank his coffee. As she moved around collecting rubbish, Sam came across the two un-popped party poppers that Ashton had left on the side. She picked them up, a smile on her face as she thought back to how she'd asked him to kiss her, how nervous he had seemed, it was kind of cute. She unconsciously licked her lips as she remembered what it had felt like to kiss him, that warm feeling in her chest glowing softly once more. 

Her phone buzzed. It was a Happy New Year message from Ryan. She shook herself out of the memory and put the party poppers into the bag with the other unused ones. She was about to message back with a little joke about her New Years kiss but something stopped her. Instead, she messaged back a simple 'Happy New Year' with a few emojis. She'd tell Ryan about it another time, or, that's what she told herself.

\-----

Ashton woke up the next morning to the sun peeking through his windows, blinding him. He groaned, his dream had been interrupted. The dream of how he’d wished the night had ended. He felt disgusted with himself for fantasizing over someone he’d barely met. Imagining how it would feel for him to trail kisses down her neck, to slip the gold dress she was wearing from her shoulder to reveal...

_NO. No no no no no. Don't think of her like that you pervert._

He sighed, getting out of bed and going into the bathroom, starting the shower and staring at himself in the mirror while the water heated up. He felt different, a good different. The warmth from the night before lingering in his chest, making him feel lighter, happier even. 

Once the water was warm he got in and washed off the remnants of the dream. As he climbed out of the shower he looked at his reflection once more and sighed.

_She may never be mine, but I'll never forget that night._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	3. come on and save me from this January gloom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Soundtrack: January Gloom by All Time Low_   
>    
> 

She had planned to tell Ryan about her New Years kiss later that week when they saw each other. But when they did meet, the time never seemed right, and every time she opened her mouth to talk about it, there was something that stopped her. It was fine though, she'd just tell them next time. 

But she didn't tell Ryan the next time they saw each other, or the time after that, or the time after that. It became her little secret, her stolen New Years kiss, that filled her with that same warmth that she'd felt in the moment, every time she thought about it. She didn't even tell Ashley about it. There was something special and sacred about it and utterly terrifying at the same time, something she wasn't able to voice just yet. 

She'd replay the evening of New Years in her head late at night when she was in bed and couldn't sleep. When thoughts of her lost friends and the screams of monsters filled her head. On those dark, difficult nights, it was her life raft in a stormy sea.

\-----

It was almost a week after New Years and Ashton had done his best to go about his life as if the night never happened, but that was nearly impossible. The parts he knew of the song he and Sam had danced to kept playing in his mind. The way her green eyes glinted in the dim light coming in from the window, how it felt to have her hand in his, the gentle sound of her voice teaching him to dance. He had to know what it was, but he had no idea where to start. He vaguely knew the tune but none of the lyrics so he was hopeless in Googling it. Then it dawned on him, it was _Ashley’s playlist_. 

Liz  
  
Hey Liz, can I have the link 2 the playlist from the party?

Being that both of their names started with Ash, that nickname became hard to have cause you never knew which twin was being called. So they, along with family members called each other by their middle names, Mick and Liz.

Liz  
  
Don’t know why you need it but here [https://open.spotify.com /playlist/6AWaQraecymshtdwK 8gZXM?si=vevZ5eCrQeyZXt YxTw7hgg](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6AWaQraecymshtdwK8gZXM?si=vevZ5eCrQeyZXtYxTw7hgg)

He looked down at it and sighed as he scrolled through it.

 _180 songs… 12 hours long… guess I better get started..._

On his way home, he began the play through of the playlist on his way home from work, starting the search for the song that warmed his heart.

\-----

She stared up at the dark ceiling in Ryan's studio apartment, blinking away tears, her chest tight, her breath rapid and uneven. She bit her lip and clenched her fists, trying to stifle her sobs so that she wouldn't wake the figure sleeping beside her. 

_'Sam, why are you hiding?'_

The distorted voice ricocheted around her skull. She had to stay still. Her whole body froze up. She couldn't move. He was coming for her. She had to run. An arm around her neck, a mask over her face. She couldn't breathe. She reached out, reached out for the bat, but it wasn't there. Why wasn't it there? 

Her hand brushed Ryan's bare back and she quickly snatched it away.

She couldn't wake Ryan. They had an agreement. They weren't her emotional support. They had too much of their own stuff going on. She had hoped it would change. But it hadn't. All she wanted was to be held, for someone to tell her everything would be okay, _eventually_. 

She closed her eyes and took deep breaths, transporting herself back to New Year's Eve. She felt his hand in hers, his other on her back. 

Her breathing became steadier as she focused on the memory of slowly dancing around the room to a song she loved, with a man who just maybe had cared about her for one night. 

Maybe he was just trying out his luck, seeing if he played his cards right as Mr Nice Guy, he'd get lucky. But it hadn't felt like that. When he kissed her... 

Just thinking about it, that warm feeling returned, calming her, making her feel safe. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep, the sensation of his lips against hers lingering in her mind, the sensation of coming home.

\-----

Ashton was absentmindedly playing his guitar and singing, “ _I rent a room and I fill the spaces, wood in places to make it feel like home...when all I feel’s alone. Might be a quarter-life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul.”_

He paused, his mind was brought back to a part of the conversation he’d had with Sam. 

_“How’s living on your own?”_

_“It’s… different.”_

_“Lonely?”_

He had felt lonely even more in the last month. The memory of dancing with Sam, their kiss at midnight, everything, left an ache in his chest. He’d never had anything like this happen. 

The loneliness crept in again as he absentmindedly strummed the rest of the song. He sighed, setting his guitar aside, picking up his phone and laying back on the pillow. 

He opened up Sam’s contact and almost willed himself to message her… _almost_.

_She’s taken. You need to get over her. You’re just making it harder on yourself._

He opened up Instagram and went to type in her name, but quickly realized he didn’t know her last name. 

_Well, she was at Ashley’s party. I’m pretty sure she’s one of the Blackwood kids so there’s gotta be something on Liz’s account._

He pulled up Ashley’s account and surely enough, the most recent picture was one taken of her, Sam, and Chris on New Years.

Rayne had taken the picture and Ashton was standing off to the side watching them. It was a candid shot, as most of the pictures on Ashley’s Instagram were. Ashley was actually smiling at the camera, Chris was staring at her all googly-eyed, and Sam… it captured her face right as she glanced over at Ashton. 

Her smile, the way her hair draped over her shoulders, the gold dress with the iris tattoo peeking out… all of it made him feel warm once again. He tapped on the screen and sure enough, she had been tagged.

 _God bless you Liz_.

He tapped on the account, Samantha Giddings, and took a deep breath only to sigh. Private account. If he wanted to see her pictures, he’d have to request to follow her and let her know he was thinking about her on a Saturday night instead of having a life. He locked his phone, laying it on his chest, closing his eyes.

_Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	4. I heard a scream in the woods somewhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mental health issues
> 
> _Soundtrack: In the Woods Somewhere by Hozier_

On the weekend, Ashton was off from work. Normally he would sleep in and lay around the house, playing the guitar and binge-watching Netflix. This given Saturday, he had to get up at a reasonable time because he had to do the more boring parts of living alone, grocery shopping and taking clothes to the laundromat.

He got up, throwing on clothes and loaded his clothes up in the laundry basket from where they were tossed around his small apartment. He carried the basket down to his car and went over to the laundromat, sitting down inside while the clothes washed. 

As per usual, he pulled out his phone and opened up Instagram. The first post was one from his sister, another candid shot of Sam. His heart started to pound as he read the caption.

_“Happy 20th birthday to the girl who knows me best, the one I’ve laughed and cried with, my chosen sister. Sam we’ve been through so much together and grown a lot over this last year. Here’s to making 2016 our bitch. xoxo”_

He smiled at the photo of Sam, curled up in Chris and Ashley’s living room in what appeared to be Ashley’s clothes. Her hair was up and she appeared to be watching something on the TV, which was out of frame. Her eyes glued to the screen. Perhaps it was supposed to be unflattering in the way it showed the honesty of what close friends see each other like often.

But he couldn’t help but smile. Something about it made him feel warm. He’d seen pictures of her for years. Ashley and Sam were close, but he’d never met her. He never knew the girl behind the goofy pictures she’d always posted.

How her face lit up when she smiled, how she quickly came to the defence of her partner when they were questioned, how she played with her rings before reaching out to take his hand in hers. 

_Was she as nervous as I was? Was she trying to build up courage to hold my hand? No. She wasn’t. It's all in your head Ashton. If she liked you she would’ve reached out by now._

He sighed and continued to scroll, trying to get the image of her out of his head.

He pulled up her contact and typed out

_Happy Birthday_

Then he deleted it. 

_She would've reached out by now. She's taken._

\-----

She'd lied to everyone. She'd told Ryan, Chris and Ashley that she was spending time with her family. She'd told her moms that she was spending time with Ryan. It was all lies. 

She got up early, dressed in something comfortable and warm and snuck out of the house before either of her moms were up. She got in her car and drove out to the lake. 

It was a chilly January morning and the parking lot was empty. She didn't know why she'd come, no one in their right mind would come all the way out to the lake at this hour of the morning in winter. But then again, she wasn't exactly in her right mind. 

She walked through the parking lot, along the short path and to the shore of the lake, sitting down in the cold damp sand, not caring that it was soaking through her jeans. 

She stared out at the quiet, grey lake. It didn't look half as inviting in the winter as it did in the summer. She stared at the dark water. A monster rose out of it, grabbing Josh and pulling him under. She flinched. She hadn't been there but Mike had told her. She'd spent the last year imagining and reimagining how it had happened. She'd done the same thing with Hannah and Beth for a long time. Her mind conjuring up all the horrible ways they could have gone. Then when Ashley figured out what had happened to Hannah and Beth while writing her book about that night, boy had her brain had a field day with that. Matt and Jess were still a mystery, and Emily, the memory of the gunshot, the blood, her blank one-eyed stare was all too fresh in her mind. 

It wasn't fair. Here she was on her 20th birthday with however many more years ahead of her and they would forever be frozen on the cusp of adulthood. They had so much life to live but it was all lost... all gone... all dead. 

She was up in a flash, grabbing fistfuls of sand from the ground and angrily throwing it into the lake, screaming at the sky, hot angry tears leaking from her eyes. 

_It’s not fair! IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!_

Her energy didn't last long, she quickly collapsed onto the sand, curling up and sobbing hysterically. Voices that she’d replayed far too many times whispering in the back of her head. 

" _A beautiful bathing bird. Do you think she has any idea what lies ahead? Do you think these were the last happy moments of this creature's life?_ " 

A chill went down her spine as the distorted voice echoed around her head. Maybe he was right, the psycho, Josh, whoever. Maybe that bath had been the last happy moment of her life. It sure felt that way sometimes. 

But then again, she’d had a brief glimpse of happiness, hadn’t she? On New Year’s Eve, dancing with Ashton around Chris and Ashley’s bedroom. His lips against hers, feeling like she was coming home. 

_“I’m sure you’ll be ok too. Eventually.”_

_"Yeah? You think so?"_

_“I know so. You’re a great girl.”_

She took some deep breaths. His words had sounded so true at the time. 

_“Everything will be ok. Good things are closer than you think.”_

Was what Rayne had said to her. Rayne couldn't have been further than the truth. At the end of that night, she had felt so hopeful, the year had started so well. 

It had gone steadily downhill from there. 

Every day closer that it got to the anniversary the more she thought about it all. Her birthday hadn't helped. Her birthday, which she had spent every year celebrating with Hannah and Beth from the age of 6 onwards. Which she was now spending alone at a cold grey lake.

She lay on the shore of the lake for a long time, the damp seeping through her clothes, creating a chill in her bones. She didn't move though. She wanted to lie there forever, let the sand swallow her up. 

The longer she lay there, the harder it was to get up. She knew she should call someone, but she couldn’t, she'd lied to them all. She wanted someone to hold her and tell her everything would be okay, _eventually_. She hadn’t lied to him yet. She could call him.

Who was she kidding? He hadn't even messaged her. Maybe she'd just imagined the connection that they had that night, craving intimacy so badly that she'd conjured it up in her head. After all, look at her, lying in the wet cold sand, alone, on her birthday, who could love something so broken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	5. I'm just a kid myself, how'm I gonna raise one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomiting 
> 
> _Soundtrack: There Goes My Life by Kenny Chesney_

She had dressed up and done her makeup and pepped herself up for a nice birthday lunch out with Ryan, pushing the previous day to the back of her mind. Today would be a good day, she'd have her birthday lunch with Ryan, maybe go back to their place for a bit afterwards, then she'd have a nice dinner with Chris and Ash. 

The first sign that something was off was Ryan's message, just before she left home, to meet in the mall parking lot. It was odd but she managed to brush it off, maybe they had a surprise planned for her, maybe they were going somewhere else in Ryan's car? 

She pulled into the mall parking lot and found a space to park. Then she got out of her car and stood with her phone in her hand, waiting for Ryan to appear. 

Ryan turned up five minutes later, getting out of their car in casual, scruffy clothes. That was the second sign that something was off. Sam looked down at her own outfit, feeling foolishly overdressed, maybe this was a more casual date than she thought. 

Ryan walked up to her, hands shoved in their pockets, chewing nervously on the inside of their cheek. Sam felt dread creeping up on her. What was going on? Still, she kept a smile on her face as they approached her. 

"Hey Sam," they half-smiled, keeping their distance. 

"Hi," she moved forward for a kiss but Ryan held their hand up to stop her, her smile faltered, "i-is something wrong?" 

"Uh..." Ryan scratched the back of their head, "yeah, we need to talk."

Sam's stomach dropped when those words left their mouth.

Ryan gulped, "so... I've been thinking and it's just not working... us, we're not working. I've just, I've got my own shit going on and I can't... I can't deal with all this," they gestured to Sam. 

"All what?" Sam blinked. 

"Sorry, that came out wrong, I'm shit at this emotion stuff," they sighed.

"So... you're... ending things?" Sam felt tears pricking at her eyes. 

"I'm sorry Sam," Ryan smiled sympathetically, "it's been really, really fun," they grinned, "but... you've just got way too much going on for me and I need to look after my own shit." 

"But-but I-I did what you asked?" Sam's voice shook, "I didn't bring you into any of my shit." 

"You're broken, Sam. Shit! Sorry, that wasn't- fuck! I'm awful at this."

"Couldn't we just... I don't know..." Sam was grasping at straws, "be friends with benefits?" 

"No Sam, that's not what you need," Ryan shook their head. Sam bit her lip, willing herself not to cry. Ryan's phone buzzed, "I uh... I gotta go... you gonna be okay?" 

Sam gritted her teeth and nodded. 

"I'll see you around," Ryan left. 

As soon as they were gone Sam threw herself back into her car, sobbing hysterically and fumbling with her phone as she desperately called Ashley.

\-----

Ashton called out of work because Jenna was convinced that at her doctor’s appointment, they were going to admit her, even though she was nearly a month early. She was complaining of feeling huge and wanted Lily to come already. 

So he went to pick her up and they rode over to the doctor. When they walked in the office, she went to sign in and he took a seat. He’d come to the office a few times before but the more pregnant she got the more nervous he became. Before he knew it, Lily would be here. He’d be a dad. 

Jenna took his hand and squeezed it, “You ok?”

_Terrified…_

_Nauseous…_

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he nodded.

They sat there for what felt like forever. With each passing moment, he got more and more nervous.

_All these ladies are staring at me._

_God, what are they thinking?_

_Coming with her was a bad idea._

_What if they actually do admit her?_

_I don’t know if I’m ready to become a dad today._

“Miss Swanson?” the nurse called.

_Finally._

Jenna and Ashton got up and walked over toward the door. The nurse took them into one of the rooms, Jenna laid on the table and Ashton took a seat in the spare chair. A doctor came in and turned on the ultrasound machine. 

“This is gonna be cold,” the nurse warned as she squirted jelly onto the ultrasound wand.

Jenna took a deep breath as the nurse placed it on her stomach and started to move it around. Soon there was the image of a baby on the screen. His baby. Their baby.

 _Holy fuck she’s like a whole ass baby now_.

Ashton smiled, “Can you feel her moving around like that?”

“Yeah. She does it a lot,” she nodded.

The realization hit him again as the sound of the heartbeat came through the machine. This was his kid and before he knew it he was gonna be responsible for another life, even if not directly. He felt so happy but at the same time, scared to death. Like he might throw up.

_Oh no. I might actually throw up._

Once the thought entered his head, his stomach started to turn and he ran out of the room and into the bathroom, puking up the breakfast he had eaten. 

He collapsed by the toilet and caught his breath.

_What if I’m not ready to be a dad?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	6. I quickly ran into the trees with empty hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mental health issues
> 
> _Soundtrack: In the Woods Somewhere by Hozier_

Her moms had tried to convince her to take the day off work and stay home. She’d refused. She needed the distraction. Moping around at home all day would have driven her mad... if she wasn’t already considered mad. 

She got through the workday by throwing herself into her tasks. That was the good thing about her job. It was easier to forget about your own troubles when you were helping other people through theirs. So for 8 hours, she pulled on a brave face and pretended everything was fine. 

At the end of the day, she left the small office and went out to her car. She turned on the engine and started the drive home, her mind on autopilot. 

While stopped at a traffic light she saw a sign for Joshua Tree and as soon as the light went green, followed it for no particular reason. It would be a long drive, but perhaps a long drive was what she needed. 

She drove along the dusty roads, surrounded by desert and hills. The grey, cloud-covered sky meant there was no spectacular desert sunset, instead, the world slowly darkened. As she got closer it started to rain, she turned the wipers on as the droplets gathered on her windscreen. 

She pulled into the National Park parking lot and parked up. Her phone had several messages and missed calls from her moms, she messaged them back that she was with Chris and Ashley. 

She shut her phone in the glove box as the sky rumbled with thunder, took a deep breath and got out of the car. The cool rain instantly hit her skin, sending a shiver down her spine. She walked around to the trunk and quickly opened it, taking shelter as the rain beat down heavier. 

She sat down on the edge of the trunk and stared out at the dark, rain-drenched desert. She took some more deep breaths. The thunder rumbled again, closer this time. 

Then all of the emotions that she had been holding in all day hit her. Tears streamed down her cheeks, blinding her, she gripped the edge of the car tightly with her hands. 

It was stupid, she knew it was stupid, but something compelled her to stand up and walk out into the rain. The downpour instantly soaked her, slicking her hair down, causing her dress to cling to her skin. But she didn’t stop, she continued walking forward, the rain mixing with her tears. 

There had always been a part of her that hadn’t understood why Hannah had run off into that snowstorm, a part of her that she hadn’t told anyone about, that was secretly angry at her best friend for doing something so stupid and reckless. But now… now she understood. Hurt could do strange things to you. It drove Hannah out into that mountain snowstorm two years ago exactly, in the same way, it was now driving Sam out into the desert thunderstorm. 

As the rain pounded down on her, the sky lit up with lightning and the thunder rumbled again. 

She remembered Hannah running from the guest room in tears and then Beth running out after her, her pink coat quickly disappearing into the snow. 

Why hadn’t she followed them? She should have followed them. 

She started to blindly run through the rain, kicking up wet sand behind her. 

Why hadn’t she run after them? 

She ran and she ran until she was out of breath and couldn’t run any further and then she screamed. She screamed into the empty desert, the rain and the thunder muffling her cries. She screamed until her voice was hoarse. Then she stood there, amongst the Joshua trees, breathing heavily, the rain still beating down on her. 

The voice of reason in the back of her head reminded her how stupid this was. Lightning flashed and thunder crashed too close for comfort. She jumped and realised how much danger she’d put herself in. 

She looked around and realized she was lost, everything was hard to make out through the rain. She started walking in the direction that she hoped her car was in, stumbling through the desert, shivering, teeth chattering. She clutched her arms to her chest, flinching every time the sky lit up with lightning. 

Eventually squinting through the rain she saw lights, she stumbled towards them, realising that they were the headlights of her car as she got closer. She was thankful that she’d been stupid enough to leave them on even if it had drained her cars charge. 

She stumbled back under the trunk of her car which she had left open, collapsing into the trunk, feebly grabbing a blanket that she kept there and wrapping it around herself. She sat there for a long time, shivering under the blanket, watching the storm rage on. 

\-----

It was the first week of February and Ashton was coming home from work as he usually did, playing Ashley’s playlist to look for the song he danced to with Sam. It had been almost a month of listening to it and so far, he hadn’t had any luck.

All of the sudden the guitar started and he gasped.

_I found it!_

Instinctively, he shut it off, wanting to devote his full attention to the song. He sat in silence until he got home, his heart pounding in his ears. When he got to his apartment he quickly ran inside and sat on his bed, taking a deep breath before pressing play.

 _“Oh, it’s a new year. With it comes new hope and new fears,”_ the artist sang out.

Ashton sighed happily as the song played on. He was instantly taken back to standing in Ashley’s bedroom, dancing with Sam, the sound of the music coming from the living room. Once it neared the end he added it to his phone so he wouldn’t lose it and instantly picked up his guitar and fooled around with the chords, finding the right ones to play the song.

He played the song over and over as he learned the chord progressions and melody for the lyrics, working on mastering it.

_Fuck it, I’m gonna text her._

Ashton picked up his phone and tried a few different messages

_I learned the song we danced to_

_I haven’t stopped thinking about you_

_Do you think kissing me was a mistake?_

Before settling on

Sam  
  
Hey Sam. Does the offer to go hiking still stand? I found this really beautiful place and could use someone to go with me  
  


He closed the app and laid there until he felt tired, waiting for her to text back but she never did.

_Maybe she’s just busy._

Ashton fell asleep with his guitar beside him and no reply from Sam.

\-----

Valentine’s day was fast approaching. It would be the third Valentine’s day in a row that she had spent alone, the third valentine’s day without Beth. She had thought she had a valentine for this year and then Ryan left her. Now she was alone once more. 

_You’re broken Sam_

Ryan’s words echoed around her skull throughout the week. She thought about all the lies she’d been telling, about the stupid things she’d been doing. Perhaps she didn’t deserve love. Perhaps the universe knew that. 

She thought about all of the reassurances that Ashley had given her, her words reminding her of a certain handsome redhead with whom she had danced on New Year’s Eve. 

She pulled up his contact in her phone and stared at it for a long while. Why had he asked for her number if he wasn’t going to message her? Did he expect her to message first? If she did, what would she even say to him? 

She locked her phone and put it down. He deserved better than her anyway. She couldn’t ask anyone to deal with all of her shit right now. Or maybe ever. Maybe it was too much for anyone. Maybe it was too much for her. Maybe she couldn’t cope much longer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [love-fireflysong](https://love-fireflysong.tumblr.com/) for providing the coding for the undelivered message, we would have had no idea how to do it without her. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	7. kissing me in the night just so I can feel something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: explicit sexual content  
>  _Soundtrack: Touch by Daughter_

On Valentine’s Day, Ashton decided to sleep in as much as he could. Of the last 5 years of his life, this was the first one where he was single, and he didn’t want to dwell on it. So instead of setting an alarm like he typically did, he let his body get some much-needed rest and hoped that it would make the most painful day of the year to be single a little more bearable.

Around noon he woke up, feeling frustrated with himself. Having sexually charged dreams wasn’t uncommon for him. Usually, it was based in reality, girls he had fooled around with, in any sense of the term. He would feel their soft skin running down his body, their lips on his neck, chest, or even his dick.

But it felt perverted having those feelings for Sam. After all, he’d met her once and she’d probably never thought about him again. Whereas he’d spent the last month and a half dreaming about what could’ve happened.

He dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, rinsing off the evidence of his dream and trying to rid his mind of the thoughts that caused it. Sam’s body against his, her lips on his-

_NO._

_Stop it._

_That’s so fucked up._

_I can’t think about her like that._

He leaned against the shower focusing on the warm water running down his body. And for a brief moment, his mind went back to the all-too-real feeling of lips on his skin.

He gave in to temptation. His mind imagined Sam kissing him, her hand in his hair, her hand running up and down his dick, which was hard again.

_Dammit._

He started to pump his hand up and down his length, groaning, “Fuck... That feels fucking amazing.”

As he quickened his pace his breathing got heavier. His imagination ran wild with thoughts of what it might be like for Sam to touch him like that.

“Fuck!” He moaned loudly, his inhibitions dropped, knowing nobody could hear him, “Goddammit! Sam!”

He came, panting as he opened his eyes, ruining the illusion. He wasn’t showering with Sam. She wasn’t getting him off and kissing him. Ashton was standing in his shower, alone, jerking off to the fantasy of someone he’d met once.

Once he’d finished, he rinsed himself off again and washed his hair, getting out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. He checked his phone, no new notifications. Sam had probably long forgotten about him, but every time he checked his phone, his chest ached that she hadn’t even messaged him once.

He made himself lunch, sat down on his bed and pulled up Netflix on his computer, starting to watch Easy A.

His phone buzzed and he eagerly looked over at it, but it was just a spam account DMing him on Instagram. He blocked them and sighed, looking back at his feed and seeing the last post he’d made of him singing on New Years, oblivious to what the night would entail. He watched himself sing before shutting off his computer and grabbing his guitar from beside the bed.

He tentatively strummed a few chords before singing softly, “ _Oh, it’s a new year… With it comes new hope and new fears.”_

Ashton had played through the song a handful of times over the last month, but today was Valentines, and if a miracle was gonna happen in his love life, it would be today, right?

He sat his phone on the makeshift tripod once more and made sure he looked presentable before hitting record.

“Happy Valentines Day. This song has been in my head a lot recently so here’s my rendition.”

Ashton sang through the song, getting lost in the memories of that night. The silky gold dress she wore, the tattoo she had on her chest, the pink in her cheeks when they’d danced and more evidently when they had kissed at midnight. The way her face lit up when she was talking about the smallest of things, and the way her green eyes glistened in the streetlight in Ashley’s room.

“ _Tell me, tell me, oh, what’s going to save me?”_ he sang the ending and looked up at the camera and smiled.

Ashton posted the video on Instagram with the caption _“Someone amazing made me love this song.”_

He sighed as he watched the comments and likes come in. The usuals, his friends who he hadn’t spoken to in at least a year, girls who fawned over him in high school but were too shy to join the list of girls he supposedly hooked up with over the 4 years, cousins he hadn’t had a conversation with since his parents split, and the occasional musician who spammed his likes in a fruitless attempt to get him to follow back.

Part of him wished that one of those notifications would be from Sam. Or that somehow she would see the video and reach out to him, but the longer that time passed, the more evident it became that he had simply become a footnote in the end of her 2015.

_You look pathetic dude. Get over her._

He took a deep breath and opened up Tinder, messaging a girl for a late-night booty call.

\-----

It was early evening, and she was curled up in bed, alone on Valentine’s Day. Her moms had gone out for a romantic dinner, Ashley and Chris were on a romantic getaway, Ryan had even posted something with someone that they’d gone out with. Everyone was with someone, everyone except her. 

She ached to be held, touched, by someone... anyone. 

His hand in hers, his other hand on her back, holding her as they danced around the room on New Year’s Eve. 

She opened up Ashton’s contact like she had been doing every day for the past week. And then, like she had every other time, she sighed and closed it. He deserved someone better, someone who wasn’t broken. 

Instead, she scrolled through Instagram for a while until she saw a photo of Mike from a couple of weeks ago. She checked Facebook. He was single. All it would take was a couple of late-night, desperate messages. That’s how it happened last time. 

God, she just wanted to stop feeling so broken and lonely for one goddamn night. It didn’t take long for her to break and message him. 

Mike  
  
Hey Mike  
How are you?  
Samantha, nice to hear from you  
I’m good ;)   
Samantha? Really Mike?😅  
What?  
Is that not your name?  
Is your name like Salamander or something  
😂  
I think we’re past the point of formalities like full names  
Don’t you?  
Fine... Sam  
Whats up?  
Haven’t seen you in a while, that’s all   
I do believe last time we saw each other, we “saw” each other  
Catch my drift?  
Well... I’d be a little offended if you’d forgotten that 😉  
I couldn’t forget something like that  
So what are you doing on this lovely Valentines?  
Been having a pamper day  
How about yourself?  
Just chilling at home  
You wanna come over?  
Yeah, that would be nice actually  
See you then ;)

She got up from her bed, quickly put on some red lacy lingerie and perfume, then some booty shorts and a sweater over the top. She checked herself in the mirror, it would do. Then she left, got in her car and drove over to Mike’s. 

She walked up to his front door, pulled on a charming smile and rang the doorbell. 

Mike answered the door, she felt his eyes on her as he smirked and looked her up and down, “Hey Sam.”

“Hi Mike, thanks for inviting me over.” 

“Come on in, make yourself comfortable,” he stepped out of the doorway.

She walked inside, looking around Mike’s all too familiar, stereotypical bachelor pad. She took a seat on the couch. 

“How have you been?” 

“Not too bad,” he shrugged, she looked over her shoulder at him as he walked into the kitchen and called back to her, “you want something to drink?”

“I’d love something to drink, what do you have?” 

“Water, beer, vodka? Maybe wine? What do you want?”

“Beer would be great!” 

She heard him pop the cap on a beer for each of them. He walked over to the couch and she looked up at him as he stood in front of her and handed her a beer. 

“Thanks,” she took a sip from the bottle he’d given her. 

He sat down beside her, “how have you been?”

“I’ve been good, my internship has been going well. How’s college?” 

“It’s going, nothing too exciting,” he took a sip of his beer.

“Been seeing anyone?” 

He smirked, “nope. Have _you_?”

“I was, but not anymore,” she shrugged nonchalantly. 

“That’s a shame,” he took another sip of his beer, leaning back on the couch and casually wrapping his arm around her shoulders

She raised her eyebrows and giggled, “what? That we’re both single?”

He smiled charmingly back at her, “that two incredibly hot people are single on Valentine’s Day.”

“Mm, a mighty shame indeed,” she placed her hand over his, tracing slow circles on the back of his hand with her finger. 

She felt his breath against her neck as he leaned in close and whispered, “it would be even more of a shame if we didn’t do something about that.”

“It would be,” she smirked, starting to run her foot up and down his leg. 

He leaned in to kiss her, pulling her close. She kissed him back, pressing her body into his side, because screw it, she didn’t care if she looked desperate, she just wanted to be held.

His free hand slipped under the hem of her sweater, trailing his fingers up along the skin of her bare back. She sighed against his lips. God did it feel good to be touched again. 

He pulled away, his face still close to hers, “How about we take this somewhere more...comfortable?” He glanced toward his bedroom.

She smiled and nodded, “I’d like that.” 

Mike got up and led her into his room. He closed the door behind them, bringing their lips back together as he pressed her up against it, his hand running up the inside of her sweater and over her bra, firmly grasping at her chest. She groaned, not so subtly, her hands tugging at the hem of his shirt, craving to feel the warmth of someone’s skin against hers. 

He quickly slid his shirt over his head and helped her remove her sweater before kissing her again. She pushed their bodies together, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, kissing him desperately. 

Mike picked her up and moved them over to the bed, laying her down and rocking his hips into hers, groaning. She hooked her legs around the back of his, using the leverage to grind up into him, her breathing getting heavier. She felt so relieved to be wanted again that she could have cried. 

“Fuck,” he groaned, rocking into her again and again, his dick getting harder with each repetition.

She moaned, feeling his length grinding into her. She slipped her hands onto his back, focusing on the warmth of his skin beneath her fingers, the way his muscles moved as he rocked against her. 

His breathing got heavier, and he pulled his body far enough away to undo his jeans, sliding them off of him and beginning to rock into her again. She gasped, her body’s desperation building up more with each item of clothing that came off. 

Mike sighed, pulling her shorts off and looking down at her. She looked back up at him, noticing the smirk on his face as he looked her up and down before starting to kiss her again.

“You like what you see?” She giggled breathily against his lips. 

“Oh, fuck yeah,” he moaned in response, pressing his body into hers. 

She groaned, “fuck me.” 

“Don’t gotta tell me twice,” he smirked, pulling away and sliding the remaining layers from their bodies.

She spread her legs for him, biting her lip in anticipation. He groaned as he eased into her, slowly building the strengths of his thrusts.

She groaned, trying to ignore the voice in the back of her head telling her that this was a stupid thing to do. She’d been doing a lot of stupid things lately and Mike was definitely a stupid thing. But he had been her only option… well… not her _only_ option. 

The number that she’d been staring at in her phone all week had been another option. She could have messaged Ashton. Ashton…

She moaned. Where had that come from? 

She closed her eyes and focused on red hair, freckles and hazel eyes, imagining it was him that was inside of her. 

“Fuck,” she muttered, pushing her hand onto her breast, wishing it was Ashton that was touching her. 

Mike’s breathing got heavier, groaning more frequently until letting out a louder, more husky moan, “ _Fucking shit_.”

She gritted her teeth frustratedly as his voice pulled her out of her fantasy. She could tell he was close and she was nowhere near. 

After a few more thrusts, he came, breathing heavily as he collapsed beside her.

She sighed quietly, staring up at the ceiling, disgusted with herself as she felt his cum oozing inside her. 

He looked over at her, “you’re welcome to crash here if you want.”

“Thanks,” she mumbled, “‘m just gonna go to the bathroom,” she got up, walking out of his room, cringing at the wetness she could feel between her thighs. 

She walked into his bathroom, turning the light on and blinking at herself in the mirror, sliding the bra strap that had slipped down back onto her shoulder. She glared at herself. What was wrong with her? Why had she come here?

She leaned her back against the bathroom door and slid down onto the floor. She was pathetic, putting her nice lingerie and perfume on for a booty call on Valentine’s day with Michael Fucking Munroe. 

She put her head in her hands, sighing frustratedly with herself because she was still so damn horny. She leant her head back against the door, it had felt so good for those few moments when she’d been thinking about Ashton. What it would be like for him to touch her.

Her hand slipped back onto her chest again and she closed her eyes imagining that it was Ashton touching her. Him grasping at her breast and trailing his fingers down her stomach. Her breath hitched, a gasp escaping her lips as he touched the wetness in between her legs. His fingers slowly massaged her clit, repeating the same motion, building her up until her breathing was heavy and she bit down on her lip as her body tensed up in pleasure. 

She sat there, regaining her breath and slowly blinked her eyes open, squinting at the bright, fluorescent light. Ashton was nowhere to be seen. She was sitting on her own, on the floor of Mike’s kinda gross bathroom. 

She pulled herself up and went to the toilet. She cleaned herself off, along with the small mess she’d made over by the door. Then she washed her hands and looked at herself in the mirror once more with a sigh. 

She turned off the bathroom light and headed back to Mike’s bedroom. He was passed out on his stomach, still naked under the blanket. She quietly gathered her clothes and pulled them on, then got back into bed. She lay there, listening to Mike’s quiet snores, shame and disgust settling into the pit of her stomach. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	8. woke up the girl who looked just like you, I almost said your name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: explicit sexual content
> 
> _Soundtrack: From the Dining Table by Harry Styles_

_Fuck_.

Ashton woke up, rolling over to see the sleeping girl beside him. God, what was her name? A replay of the night played in his head. He’d opened up Tinder out of desperation. He hated the hookup culture it represented; the one that got him the reputation he’d had.

This girl… whoever she was, he’d matched with her within a few minutes of opening the app and within an hour she was at his door. They’d sat and talked and suddenly her lips were on his. Her hand was tousled in his hair. His hand was grabbing at her chest. Things didn’t go nearly as far as they could’ve, but they went far enough that he felt horrible to see her asleep beside him.

As she had gone down on him, he rested his head against the wall behind his bed. Every time this happened in the past it was easy.

_Keep it vague, no name means you can’t say the wrong one. Stick to baby. Baby is vague._

He’d already broken his own rule in the shower, calling out Sam’s name as he came. Sam…

While she was busy he’d closed his eyes, and for a brief moment allowed himself to go back to that state. Pushing reality out the window. Focusing on the way her mouth felt on his dick, imaging what it would be like for...

“Sa-” he’d whispered, quickly snapping out of his trance, “Shit, you feel fucking amazing.”

He gently woke her up. From behind he could at least pretend it was Sam. That it was her blonde hair being put up into a bun. Her dress being put back on. But when she turned to say goodbye it was clear, this wasn’t Sam… this was… Maggie! That was her name.

Once she left he pulled out his phone and deleted his Tinder account and swore he’d never get that desperate again. Ashton looked at his phone, Sam still had not replied.

_Guess not even a Valentine’s miracle could get her to respond. Those feelings were all in your head. Get over her._

\-----

She woke up early, it was still dark, Mike was still asleep in bed beside her. She looked at his bare back in the dim light and sighed. This had been such a stupid thing to do. In the end, it hadn’t made her feel any better, it made her feel worse. 

Guilt weighed down heavily on her as she dragged herself out of bed. She felt bad for using someone to try to make herself feel something for one night. She felt terrible that she had chosen Mike to be that person. 

She was disgusted with herself, falling back into the arms of the man that had sent her best friend and the girl she loved running into the frozen claws of death. The same man that she’d watched shoot one of her friends at point-blank range. All because she was sad and lonely. It was pathetic. 

She went out to the living room and found a piece of paper and a pen and then stared at it for a few minutes trying to figure out what to write. 

_Thanks for a fun night_

_Sam x_

She sighed and left the note on the coffee table. Then she slipped her shoes on, made sure she had everything and went out to her car, driving home, jumping in the shower and getting ready for work. 

As she drove herself to work it dawned on her that they hadn’t used a condom last night and although she had an IUD, that didn’t prevent STDs and who knew where Mike had been. She sighed and used hands-free on her phone to book an appointment at the clinic over her lunch break. It was such a stupid thing to do. 

Pushing what had happened last night to the back of her mind she got on with the morning’s work. At lunchtime, she quietly left the office and drove over to the nearby clinic. They took urine and blood samples and the results quickly came back. She had chlamydia. 

She groaned internally but was thankful that she was sensible enough to get herself checked. She reluctantly dropped Mike a message to let him know that he should probably get tested too. They gave her the week-long course of antibiotics to treat it and she went back to work, vowing that she’d never let herself get that desperate ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	9. now he's wrapped around her finger, she's the center of his whole world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Soundtrack: All American Girl by Carrie Underwood_

It was early, like earlier than Ashton got up for work early, on February 22nd when his phone rang. Once, twice, and at the third time in a row he groaned and rolled over. 

_3 missed calls from Jenna. SHIT. LILY._

He jumped out of bed, threw on clothes and rushed over to the hospital. A nurse led him back to the room where Jenna was being set up, her mother, Amy, by her side.

“Oh,” Amy glared at him, “ _You’re_ here.”

“I think you’re forgetting that I’m Lily’s father,” he rolled his eyes.

“Can we not fight for _one goddamn day_ ,” Jenna groaned, “I’m trying to shove a baby out of my vagina and if you’re going to bitch at each other, get out.”

Ashton motioned that he was zipping his lips and Amy groaned but stayed quiet. The next 6 hours were weird, to say the least. He kept getting glared at by her mother.

They’d never gotten along. Ashton had tried, really tried to get her to like him. He even tried converting to Catholicism and going to mass, but at the end of the day, Amy saw him as the man who stole Jenna’s innocence (he didn’t) and the father of the baby being born into sin. 

Nurses came in and out of the room over the hours, Jenna groaning in pain until she got an epidural, Amy calling endless amounts of family members to announce she was in labor. 

Finally, it was time to start pushing. Jenna started looking nervous, “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I think you’re about 9 months and 10 centimeters too late to back out,” he chuckled, taking her hand in his, “You’ve got this. I’m right here beside you. It’s time to meet our little girl.”

She smiled softly and nodded as the doctors got in place. A half-hour of grunting and pushing later, Lily was born with bright red hair and blue eyes.

As they laid her on Jenna’s chest, Ashton whispered feeling like he might pass out, “Holy shit. We’re parents. I-I’m a dad. What the fuck.”

“Hi baby girl. Hi my sweet Lily,” Jenna said through her tears.

They took her to get cleaned off and weighed. Ashton pulled out his phone and texted Ashley that Lily had been born.

“You wanna hold her, dad?” The nurse asked while she swaddled the infant.

“Yeah,” he smiled, the word dad making him smile. He had been saying he was going to be a dad for 9 months and it was finally true. He was a dad. That infant who laid there crying loudly was his. This was real.

The nurse handed the baby to him and he looked over at Jenna, “She’s so tiny.”

Jenna smiled back up at him, wiping the tears off her face.

He felt himself getting emotional looking down at the infant who was looking back at him wide-eyed, little tufts of red hair coming out from underneath her hat, “Hi Lily. I’m your daddy.”

He held Lily for a while before giving her off to Amy. They moved them to the recovery room and Amy left to go get some sleep, leaving Jenna and Ashton to be alone with Lily.

One of the nurses came in and asked if he wanted to do skin to skin. He looked at Jenna for reassurance and she nodded so he pulled off his shirt and they placed the infant on his bare chest. She cried at first until his body heat warmed her up.

“Would you like me to get a picture of you holding her?” Jenna asked.

“Of course.”

Jenna motioned for him to turn to face her. She snapped a picture of the two of them and chuckled, “Lily and the lily,” she pointed to the tattoo on his chest. 

He chuckled, “Mind if I post that on Instagram?”

“Go ahead, she’s your daughter too.”

After holding her for a while, it was time to nurse so he handed the infant back to Jenna and posted the picture she had taken with the caption:

_Lily and the lily_

_This morning, my daughter Lily Madeline Swanson was born. The love I feel for her is overwhelming. I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life._

He lingered on Instagram, watching the video he had posted on Valentines, not realizing Jenna was listening as he played it aloud.

“What’s her name?”

“Wh-what? Who are you talking about?” his face heated up as she asked.

“I’m not an idiot, Ashton. I’ve seen that look in your eyes before. Who is she?”

“I-” he stumbled over his words before sighing, “Her name is Sam. I met her at Ashley’s New Years party.”

“Have you seen her since then?”

He shook his head.

“She left that strong of an impression in one night? Did you at least kiss her?”

“Why does it matter to you?” 

Jenna chuckled, “Ashton, I love you. I want you to be happy and this girl, whoever she is, she makes you happy.”

“She’s dating someone,” he mumbled, “But- we did kiss. Midnight. She made it seem like something so casual. Like- like she would go talk to her partner later and they would laugh about how she kissed a stranger at a party to ring in the New Year. I- I just can’t stop thinking about her.”

“Well I want the best for you Ash so I hope things find a way to work out,” she sighed.

Amy came back into the room and, after a while, Ashton went home to get some rest. As soon as he got through the apartment door he collapsed into bed, completely exhausted. As he lay there on the edge of sleep thoughts of Sam lingered in his mind. 

_I have a daughter now, Sam probably wouldn’t even bother even if she felt something._

He pulled out his phone and started at her contact and sighed before falling asleep fully dressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


	10. I've got a secret for the mad, in a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: recreational drug use
> 
> _Soundtrack: Secret for the Mad by Dodie_

Sam trepidatiously walked up to the door and rang the bell. She hugged her arms to her chest, looking around, wondering what she was doing there. Ashley was worried about her so had set up a reading with Rayne, the girl who'd brought the pot brownies on New Year's Eve.

Rayne answered the door and smiled at her, Sam smiled back nervously. 

“Sam, welcome, right this way,” Rayne led her through the house to a spare room where soothing instrumental music was playing softly, “take a seat,” she gestured. 

Sam slowly sat down, looking around the room and wondering what she should be expecting from this, “so uh… how exactly does this work?” 

Rayne sat down opposite her and Sam watched as she grabbed a deck of cards, softly running a clear crystal around the top and bottom, “I’m gonna start by pulling some cards to get a better idea of the energy presented. From then on, you’re free to ask questions and I’ll do my best to answer them. Sound ok?”

Sam nodded, looking at Rayne expectantly. 

“A short disclaimer before we begin, I’m not gonna sugar coat what the cards tell me, I’m upfront with what I see. I’m not trying to give you advice or tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. It’s up to you to do what you want with the information. Do you understand?”

She nodded again. Rayne nodded back, smiling, “let’s take a deep cleansing breath to begin,” she took a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Sam sat up straight and copied her, taking a deep breath, filling up her lungs and then slowly letting the air out, relaxing her muscles and clearing her head. 

“Good,” she began to shuffle until cards popped out of the stack, doing this until there were 5 cards laying in front of her. She sat the stack of cards aside and looked down at them.

“So what do each of them mean?” Sam looked down at the cards, cluelessly, slightly concerned by the tower card. 

“What was their name? The one you lost?”

Sam gulped, feeling tears gathering in her eyes as soon as she thought about all of the people that she’d lost. She looked down at her lap, fiddling with her hands, “names,” she corrected quietly.

“My apologies,” Rayne sighed, “names. Tell me about them.”

She took a deep breath, not looking up from her hands, “Hannah was my best friend. Beth was my… my girlfriend, I loved her… I loved her a lot. Then I had Josh and it was messy and it wasn’t perfect, but it was something and then I lost him too. Along with Jess and Matt, I don’t even know what happened to them and Em… I-I watched as he shot her and then I just went and…” She wiped her hands over her face.

The room was quiet for a moment and Sam worried that she’d said too much, that Rayne thought she was crazy. Maybe she was. 

“My, I’m so _so_ sorry Sam. I’m sure that was horrific. But… but sometimes the most beautiful flowers grow from the _Ash_ es.”

Sam bristled at that, shaking her head, “I’m sorry, I just don’t see how something good can come out of… all that,” she sighed. 

“This card here,” Rayne pointed at the tower card, “is your present situation. Everything that could go wrong, did. You lost...so many people. But this one,” she pointed at the lovers card, “could be taken literally, but also just means you’ll be in that happy place again, eventually.”

“Eventually,” Sam nodded, chewing on her lip, the thought of Ashton lingering in the back of her mind for a moment. 

Rayne grabbed another deck of cards, shuffling it a few times, drawing the top card and placing it on the table, “do you remember what I said to you on New Years?”

Sam avoided her eye, thinking guiltily back to her conversation with Ashley, “you said good things were coming,” she mumbled. 

“The good things came, didn’t they?”

She stayed quiet. Rayne had been wrong. Nothing good had come.

“Cause I think they did. I think he came into your life and it scared you, so you’ve spent the last 3 months pretending you didn’t feel it.”

Sam spluttered, “one kiss was never going to fix anything.” 

“You’re right. One kiss won’t just magically fix things. But it most definitely points to someone who just might help.”

“But-but what if I’m beyond help? What if I’m broken beyond repair?” She stared straight at Rayne, waiting for an answer. 

Rayne’s face softened, “what makes you think you are?”

Sam gulped, and looked away from Rayne’s pitying gaze, focusing on her hands again, “just something someone said to me,” she mumbled. 

“You’ve been through _so much_ , Sam. You’re not broken. You’re strong. But you’re also human and you’re allowed to have moments where it’s hard and you need someone to hold you while you fall apart. Anyone who tells you otherwise can fuck off.”

Sam smiled sadly but didn’t say anything, remembering standing in the mall parking lot as Ryan told her she was broken. 

“I’m sorry someone made you feel like that,” Rayne smiled sympathetically, “now I’m going to open it up to you, any questions you may have, I will do my best to answer. Ask as many as you’d like, whenever you’re ready.”

The words tumbled out of her mouth almost before Rayne had finished speaking, “is there- was there any way that I could have saved them?” 

She watched as Rayne picked up a new deck, shuffling it and pulling out a card and laying it on the table. Death stared back at her. The skeleton’s merciless smile mocking her. 

“I’m afraid not. This card, while it can be taken literally, it can also signify endings and change. Their deaths were inevitable, and if you had tried to stop it, you wouldn’t be sitting here because you would’ve faced the same fate.”

Sam nodded, still staring down at the card, blinking away tears, and then she asked in a hoarse whisper, “did they die hating me?” 

Rayne pulled another card, “no, no they didn’t hate you. This card… it’s radiating love. I feel like I’m being held.”

Sam wiped her eyes and smiled sadly, taking a deep breath. Then she looked up at Rayne, worrying her lip between her teeth, “will-will people love them in Ashley’s book?” 

“Do you trust her to do them justice?”

Sam frowned slightly, thinking for a moment. Did she? She trusted Ashley with her life. Could she trust her with theirs too? 

She took a deep breath and nodded, “yes, I do.” 

“Then you need to just,” she took a deep breath, motioning for Sam to as well, “calm that voice in your head that says otherwise.”

She nodded again, taking another deep breath along with Rayne. 

“Do you have any more questions for me?”

She was quiet for a moment and then asked, “am I… am I cursed?” 

Rayne shook her head, “I have a personal belief there’s no such thing as being ‘cursed’. Just because you’ve had some very tragic situations does not imply it’s just gonna keep happening. I don’t need a card to tell me that. You’re a _great girl_. I’ve only met you a couple times and I feel it. You’ve gotta be less hard on yourself.”

Her mind went back to New Year’s Eve. 

_“I’m sure you’ll be ok too. Eventually”_

_"Yeah? You think so?"_

_“I know so. You’re a great girl.”_

She bit her lip. How had it sounded so true coming from his lips? She remembered how it had felt to kiss him, like coming home. Would she ever feel that again? 

_"A beautiful bathing bird. Do you think she has any idea what lies ahead? Do you think these were the last happy moments of this creature's life?"_

She shivered as the distorted voice crept into the back of her mind. 

“Have I had my last happy moments?” 

Rayne cocked her head at her and shuffled the cards, pulling out another card, “wheel of fortune. It means good luck, a turning point. You have been through the wringer but like I said, good things are coming. Just have faith and hang in there, ok?”

“O-okay,” she nodded, her voice shaking slightly, wishing it was that easy. 

“If that’s all the questions you have for me, I’d like to lead us out with another deep, cleansing breath,” 

Sam copied, taking another deep breath with her. 

Rayne smiled at her, “if you’d be so willing, I’d like to offer you a crystal to hold onto.”

She watched as Rayne got up from her seat and retrieved a pink stone, handing it to her. She looked down at the stone in her hand. 

“What is it?” 

“Rose quartz. Works wonders. Helps keep you calm in times of grief and helps boost your self-worth, among other things. Take it or leave it, but I think it’ll do you good to have it around.”

“Thanks,” she smiled softly, closing her hand around the stone and holding it close to her heart. 

“Any time. I’m always a phone call away if you have any questions, want another reading, anything.”

“Okay, thank you,” Sam slowly stood up to leave. 

She followed Rayne as she led her out of the room and toward the front door. Her eyes watered slightly at the strong smell of weed that was permeating the house. 

“Thank you so much for this Rayne,” she smiled softly as she walked out of the door and towards her car. 

“Bye Sam,” Rayne waved as she left. 

She replayed the reading in her head as she drove home, trying to work out what she should take away from it. One thing was for sure, she had a lot to think about. 

\-----

Wake up, go to work, go to Jenna’s, go home, sit in silence until falling into a restless sleep. That’s all he had done for what felt like forever but it had only been like a week. It wasn't that he hated it, after all, it was better than just going to work and sitting at home. At least he was seeing people, even if one of those people was his newborn daughter and he wasn’t quite sure he knew how to take care of a baby. Every time he made a fruitless attempt to calm the screaming infant, he became exponentially more stressed.

_What if I’m a bad dad? I can’t even take care of my own child. What if I fuck up and Jenna won’t let me see her anymore? I can’t lose her._

Luca texted him on one of the more stressful days. 

Brotato🔥  
  
Dude! Congrats on the baby. How are things going? Tbh I’m stressed as fuck. U think I could smoke again sometime soon? I just need to get out of my head Sure thing man. Endless supplies over here. When do you wanna come?

Ashton thought about it. There was no way he was sleeping tonight if he didn’t chill out.

Brotato🔥  
  
Tonite? Consider it done. See you then.

Ashton gathered his stuff and drove over to where Luca and Rayne lived. It was a pretty nice house. Luca owned his own tattoo shop and Rayne sold pot straight from the greenhouse behind in the backyard so they made pretty good money. 

He knocked on the door and Luca answered, “Hashton! Come in dude. You look like shit.”

“Thanks,” he chuckled, “I feel like shit.”

Luca and Ashton walked through the house and down the stairs to the basement which had the usual smell of weed lingering in it. Sitting in the middle of the room were a couple couches facing each other with a bong and grinder on the table between them.

Luca got everything set up and handed the bong to Ashton, “Wanna do the honors?”

Ashton took it and lit it, taking a hit and sighing, “Thanks man.”

There was a moment of silence.

“So being a dad is rough?”

“It’s not just that. It’s working full time, it’s living alone…”

Luca chuckled, “Have you gotten laid recently?”

“I mean,” he took another hit and passed it to Luca, “Some chick came over on Valentine’s and we did shit. It just- My mind has been all over the place. And even though it was her I kept wishing it was someone else. I even said-”

“Is this about Sam?”

Ashton sputtered, “Wha- no- who… Yeah.”

“Mmm,” he nodded.

“Who told you?”

“Well,” he took a hit, “Rayne saw you guys kiss on New Years. Then you posted that song looking like a lovesick mess. We put two and two together.”

“Good to know my love life is a form of entertainment for you guys.”

“Soo…” Luca looked at him expectantly, “Are you gonna reach out to her? Did you get her number? Did you meet for a steamy night of passion to kick start 2016?”

“What? No!”

“Damn.”

“It- It wasn’t like that _at all_. We-” he sighed, “We spent most the night just talking and- and- whatever that shit was, it was different. And now I can’t get her out of my head but when I tried to text her, she didn’t reply.”

The door opened and Rayne started talking as she came around the corner, “God _damn_ , I just did a reading for Sam- oooooh shit,” she mumbled when she noticed Ashton sitting there.

_Wait… Sam was here?! Like in this house, probably the next room over and I had no idea. I was this close and now she’s gone? I missed my one chance to see her again, FUCK._

“She- she was here? How is she?” He raised his eyebrows.

Rayne didn’t answer, shrugging, “Not my place to say.”

Ashton turned his attention to Luca, “Why didn’t you _tell me_ she was _here_?”

“Cause I didn’t know,” Luca shrugged.

“I thought you said you didn’t know her,” he turned to Rayne.

“I don’t. Ashley set it up. Something about getting dumped.”

_Wait, she’s single now? Maybe I should text her. But she didn’t answer mine, maybe she didn’t feel the same._

Luca looked over at Rayne, “So… is she madly in lurve with our 2nd favorite ginger?”

“2nd favorite?”

“I’m sorry, your sister is cool.”

Ashton rolled his eyes.

Luca asked again, “So? What did she say?”

Rayne shook her head, “She’s got a lot going on.”

Ashton felt as if he’d just gotten the wind knocked out of him. His mind went back to New Years, how she seemed to drop the “I’m fine” act around him, but didn’t explain what exactly she was dealing with. Had things gotten worse? He glanced at his phone, tempted to text her again, to be there for her, to just hold her and let her know it would all be ok...eventually.

“Like ‘a lot’ as in saying the wrong name during sex?”

Rayne looked back at him confused and then over at Ashton, who smiled sheepishly.

“Not quite. More along the lines of dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma.”

_Trauma? What the fuck happened to her?_

“Oh,” Ashton said softly, looking down and biting at his lip.

Luca inhaled sharply, “Yikes.”

“Ash,” Rayne said gently, “If you do see her again, be careful, she’s had enough bad shit happen for a lifetime.”

“ _If_ ,” Ashton mumbled.

“Anything is possible,” Rayne said reassuringly.

The rest of the night they talked a little more, dancing around the topic of Sam until Ashton went home and tried to fall asleep, with Rayne’s voice echoing in his head.

_She’s had enough bad shit happen for a lifetime. It hurts to think about what could have happened to her. I wish I could just hold her, make sure nothing bad ever happened to her again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! We'd love to hear what you think of the story so far in the comments below.


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